The Complete Saga

False Start! Another hurdle in Nigeria’s path to historic victory

The international community has today joined together in expressing "concern" over the contents of a leaked Nigerian Ministry of Sport document that appears to detail plans for an unprecedented level of foal-play should the 2014 Commonwealth Games be held in Abuja. The President of the International Sports Committee has described the revelations as "worrying" but said he plans to avoid addressing the issue directly due to “deep reservations about Nigerian officialdom". The report details, amongst other things, a proposal to make all game officials pass through an "additional selection procedure" once in the country, plans to alternate between tape-measures with standard and "unorthodox markings", and an invoice for 7 Russian-made radio-controlled relay batons capable of administering "on-demand electric shocks". With both national pride and huge financial reward at stake it would appear that our beloved leaders are once again prepared to do whatever it takes to secure success.

Nigeria's Minister for Sport, Dr Owe Anaboliconche, was unavailable for comment but a spokesperson for the department made this brief statement: "The Minister is currently engaged in the long hard process of selecting the women's swimming team and apologizes for his absence. He has, however, asked that it be made absolutely clear that this matter will be investigated thoroughly and that a full and detailed report will be made available to the first man to offers him two of his daughters and a goat. He also wishes to stress that anything that further damages Nigeria's reputation as a world-leader in corruption and dishonesty is a regrettable but necessary step on the path to democracy".

Abuja is competing against Glasgow, UK, to play host to the 2014 Commonwealth Games; the result is due to be made public in November of this year. If she wins, Nigeria will be the first African nation to host the event.

FreeGear.org

I'm an ex marketing consultant turned self-made charity-activist, and I need your advice.

After 3 years working with a major company I couldn't stand the heat any longer, so had to get out. I quit my well-paid job last month with the intention of spending the next chapter of my life cycling around the world on a unicycle, backwards. However, I am so institutionalised that I can't just go off on a cycle ride - I need to create some sort of frame-work within which the ride can take place or I just won't be able to function properly. I also need to maintain my dignity amongst my aspiring and successful middle-class friends, so I will need to give the impression that I have given up a perfectly good job for a reason; what better way than to say I’m 'doing it for charity'?

Now, a little about the charity I will be supporting. ‘freegear.org’ was launched last year when an enterprising group of upper-middle-class charity-riders realised that what had previously been a guaranteed way of netting themselves free cycling equipment was being jeopardised by rebels (predominantly from the under-classes) who were daring to publicly question their motives. Prospective long-haulers were now having such trouble in persuading others that donations were in fact going to a good cause, and not just funding their excessive 'wanderlust' lifestyles, that many were finding themselves having to work up to 9 hours days - often in appallingly normal conditions - just to earn enough money to fund their tours. Something had to be done to put an end to this, so, a group of enterprising old-Etonians formed a grass-roots collaboration: freegear.org. It was established with the following aims: “to promote and facilitate the right of the well-heeled classes to exploit their positions within socially polarised societies; to put an end to public cynicism regarding the way in which charity-rides are funded; and to preserve this unique mechanism by which The Chosen Ones can simultaneously boost their CVs, make amends for past misdemeanours, and be hailed as "inspirational" by their friends back home.

Anyway, back to me. I realise that by the time I have written this message I could have got myself a job and be well on the way to earning the money I need for my tour - but that's not the point. I’m aware too that I could raise more money than my charity ride will yield by simply staying at home and shopping at Lidls (rather than at the organic farmer’s market) for the next year, but again, that's not the point. The fact of the matter is that I still have a certain amount of dignity to uphold, and so it is paramount (<-- inclusion of big word as further confirmation that I have indeed benefited from a private education) that I show others that although I am unable to cut-it in a competitive society, I am still more than capable of donning the upper-middle class accent and bagging myself some goodies.

So, has anyone any tips?

Brown wants Black Gold

Nigeria’s top brass today voiced their admiration at the way in which the British Labour Party has elected its new leader. Speaking at a press conference in Abuja, President Obasanjo, sitting alongside his soon to be successor Mr Umaru Yar'Adua, said he was hugely encouraged by Labour’s "in-house" approach to this matter and that Nigeria should learn "important lessons" from the way that something as "inconsequential as who will be next prime minister" was kept away from a "over burdened British public". Mr Yar'Adua then announced he was looking forward to working “personally” with God and Brown over the coming years in formulating what he described as "important matters concerning aid allocation".

Although God and Brown was unavailable for comment, a Downing Street spokesman did issue a statement on His behalf. In it Mr Brown was said to be "hugely excited" about the prospect of working “very closely” with the new Nigerian leader in discussing a more "streamlined approach" to African aid. The statement even suggested that God and Brown is keen to increase Britain's reliance on Nigerian oil, saying that "until sensible, economically viable alternatives are found to carbon-based fuels Britain’s diplomatic relations with oil-rich countries should be constantly reinforced."

Mr Umaru Yar'Adua is due to be inaugurated as Nigerian President un-elect this Tuesday, whilst his British counterpart must wait until June 27th before he can claim power.

You lot have it easy!

I have never seen anything like it! I'm new to this whole internet fiasco but so far I am terribly disappointed. During my first hour “online” I have encountered nothing but the sort of mindless-drivel I find here. I can get this kind of frivolous-idiocy for free by tuning into my local commercial radio station without wasting my time and money on this so-called wonder invention.

The reason you find me here is because I have just searched for "long distance cycling" on a search engine and had the misfortune of being directed to this forum. Now I know that the world has gone mad but this is simply appalling; what a load of tummy-rot! Here we have the most bizarre coming together of social misfits I have ever witnessed. People who are quite prepared to flap around in the most undignified manner in full view of the world because they are unable to make a simple decision about which tyres, saddle, or handlebars they should use, which route they should take, or whether or not their latest minor ailment is merely a figment of their imagination. What a depressing waste of what I’m sure could be a very useful resource if used properly. Toughen-up a bit please!

In 1946 I cycled from France to India in the first ever long-distance race of its kind: the Paris to Bombay team event. Thanks to my perseverance my riders finished an admirable 4th out of an initial 93 teams, taking 8 months to complete the route. Now, I'll let you in to a little secret. There were no fancy tyres, high-tech gearing, or lightweight materials then. My handlebars probably weighed as much as your complete bicycles do today and by the time my equipment was mounted on my iron racks it took four fully grown men to carry my stead to the starting line. There was no swapping and changing of saddles either: you either liked it, or lumped it. In fact chaps, I had no grips on my handlebars and was operating on just 2 gears for the whole race. At night I would don an extra pair of socks, hat and gloves, and huddle down with my team mates for warmth. You couldn't rely on a £200 mummy’s-boy comfort sleeping bag back then. Eating would invlove scavengng for whatever scraps I could find (competitors weren’t allowed to carry money; if they had any at all) and building myself a real fire (you know, with wood). No fancy cooking devices, you can be quite certain of that.

Anyway, as if reading some the entries on this message-board wasn’t a grave enough insult to my intelligence, the so-called “online search facility” that I had entrusted to guide me safely and effortlessly to some proper information about long distance cycling then led me to what I can only describe as the most appalling misuses of time, money and resources that I have ever encountered: cyclo-blogs. What awful things! Just looking at some of them I get the impression that most people don't know how lucky they are. Water-proof bags, electical-speedometers, flashing-lights, cycle-helmets, puncture-proof tyres, adjustable stems, I-Pods, digital-cameras, video-recorders, rabies-injections, dog-dazzlers, visa-companies, bike-boxes, chlorine-tablets, brakes. It's a never-ending barrage of high-tech waffle that amounts to absolutely nothing other than to highlight your complete inability to survive in the wilderness without the help of some new, all-singing, all-dancing, consumer product. And then some people have the audacity to call themselves “self-supported” or worse "self-sufficient". What a sad reflection of the times this is.

And, "bloggers", while you might think that your exaggerated tales of exotic creatures, hostile tribes, and mysterious lands are succeeding in making your ex-employers, -wives, or whomever else you are trying to make envious of your new socalled adventurous lifestyle, just remember one thing: without your waterproof panniers, light-weight tent and GPS, you are nothing.

And, to those of you gallivanting across the globe willy-nilly, be it to satisfy some kind of neo-colonial desire, feed the children, save the pandas, stop a war or whatever other ridiculous reason is behind your complete misuse of the social and financial freedom you have been granted, please read carefully: neither myself, nor anyone else in the working-world, are prepared to contribute to the social-handouts you will undoubtedly wish to receive upon your return once you discover that your time away from civilisation has rendered you virtually unemployable.

So, next time I come to search for something as innocent as "long distance cycling" I do not expect to have to bare witness to the same cocktail of new-age, fuzzy-minded, unconstructive nonsense that I have witnessed from you 'cyclo-tourists' today.

FucRonalds opens its doors to Africa

For decades FucRonalds has been viewed by many as the definition of capitalism, who's relentless advertising campaigns and indiscriminate marketing ploys have typified what many so despise about the West. But, today, as the multi-national chain opened it's first restaurant in sub-Saharan Africa, it was met with anything but disapproval. Indeed, the 2 story, air-conditioned restaurant in Lagos, Nigeria, is seen by many as a sign that this west-African super-power is now more than ready to play a serious part in the world economy.

An estimated 100 people camped out overnight, hoping to be amongst the first dinners allowed inside the purpose-built restaurant when it opened its doors this Thursday morning. Indeed, such was the determination of the excited middle-classes to secure their tables inside the building, riot police had to be drafted in from as far away as Abuja to break-up the scuffles that broke out as the doors opened. With dozens of journalists from Nigeria’s many news agencies present, it was an opportunity for Lagos’ elite to boost their profiles by being photographed dining at America's finest example of entrepreneurial success. In the Western world, dining at McDonalds is almost exclusively reserved for the most vulgar of the working-classes but in Nigeria, with the cost of a McDash burger with medium lies costing the equivalent of the average monthly salary, a meal at McDonalds Lagos is certainly not for everyone.

Branch manager, 17-year-old Darren Baines from Essex, England, who will oversee the running of the restaurant until a multi-ethnic interim management team is installed in the summer of 2007 said: "It's f**king great init, dat all these Africans can now enjoy proper food like back in England. I feel I am doin' some sort of charity fing here, like Lennie Henry and dat one off LiveAIDS, feedin' the poor and all ‘dat. Tis wicked." But for the 2000 or so local traders who were forced to relocate from the site on which FucRonalds now stands, to the Sahara desert, by a joint operation between FucRonalds and Nigerian authorities called 'Speak English', feel less that enthusiastic. Mrs Adafunke Adeosun, who has been selling Flied Lice in the area since 1980 says: "Dey come here man givin' me da chop and sayin I have go. Can I go? Where can I go? Aiy, is dis wat Nigeria is doing to us now oo? Why?".

Countries from across the developed world have criticised the traders’ moaning, and say that by tapping into the Africa market FucRonalds is both creating essencial employment, and assisting in the development of the local economy.

Vote Now!

The Nigerian government today unveiled the system by which this year’s general election will be decided. In a dramatic change to the constitution, master-minded by honouree minister and multi-millionaire Lord Olawale Yvel, and approved in full by chief lawyer Rev. Blacksmith, this year’s presidential election will be decided by means of a TV vote, hosted by the commercial station VTI. It is thought that the country's next President will be decided by a series of weekly programs, in which candidates will hope to impress voters with their ability to perform both the chop, and the dash forms of a traditional African dance.

However, with only a relatively small percentage of the populous having access to digital television, combined with just how susceptible the system will be to abuse, opposition parties across the country have voiced great concern. Indeed, there has also been worldwide condemnation, with UK Prime Minister Tony Blair joining today with George's Bush to share their worries at the situation. In a joint statement, written and delivered by George's Bush, they said that: "This undemographical actions is displaying a complete lackment of considerational thought for all in the netheregions, and if Nicaragua continues to peru this disilluded and misinformated idea, tough S.U led military action targetting the Sharia held territories would be initialated last month".

But with the dramatic change to the constitution it seems that little can be done to prevent the 2007 elections from taking place in this much-criticised way. Is this the end of the beginning for Nigerian democracy? We shall see.

Volunteer on Africa Ship

Do you think that trade, not charity, is the answer? Have you always wanted to volunteer in Africa? Do you dream of working a passage on a ship? If so, read on....

VER (Volunteers in Export and Redistribution) is a non-profit organisation that provides European-based shipping companies working in the import-export trade with willing volunteers. Unlike other 'volunteer' schemes neither we, nor our partner companies, ask you for any for of payment; we acknowledge that your work with us [u]is[/u] your payment and, in exchange, we will ensure that you are provided with food, accommodation and the fascinating experience of working aboard a state of the art cargo-ship.

20 opportunities for volunteers have recently become available with the EddieCol shipping company based in the UK, who specialise in the import-export of traditional European items, specialist agricultural equipment, and organic sweetening products. They require cleaners, cooks, and cargo handlers for their 6th August sailing from the port of Bristol, England. You will sail to various locations along the Gulf of Guinea coast before journeying westwards, across the Atlantic, to the beautiful Islands of the Caribbean. From there, it will be all hands on deck as you assist the crew with their final leg, arriving back in Bristol in time for Christmas.

If you think you have what it takes then we'd love to here from you. There will be a brief interview process and an assessment will be made of your mental and physical health. Previous experience is preferred, though not absolutely essential as full training will be given. Interested applicants should submit their ASL details (age/sex/location) together with a brief resume to ASL@VER-aider.com

Will new Discount Card save Nigeria’s Tourism Industry?

Nigeria's Minister for Tourism today unveiled details of the much talked about ‘Tourist Discount Card’ (TDC), that will become a compulsory document for all foreign visitors as of the end of this month. The TDC entitles holders to up to 35% off all dashes payable during their stay, as well as allowing any chops incurred whilst in the country to be reclaimed in full, after a small tax-deduction. It is hoped that the obligatory card, which will cost tourists $100 in cash from any of the county's international borders, will encourage those who have never considered Nigeria as a tourist destination to think again.

However, many anti-corruption pressure groups say this is yet another complicated piece of bureaucracy that is neither practical nor enforceable. Dr Sulinki Abubaka, chairman of the think-tank "Sahelial Black Knights", said that "[this scheme] has so many things that don't add up, so many irregularities, that it can at best be treated with suspicion. In fact, in my opinion, it amounts to nothing less than legalized 419 fraud". The Minister for Tourism was today unavailable for comment, but did issue this statement: "The TDC is just one of many steps being introduced by my government which clearly demonstrates our commitment to the facilitation of the growth of the Tourism industry. We have big plans. Big, big plans. In fact, as we speak, construction is underway on a new multi-million dollar state-of-the-art Presidential Palace that is sure to draw many visitors from across the globe. Tourists will even be allowed, after an initial security-related financial transfer, to visit Mr President in his palace for a full cultural immersion. Wake up world - Costa del Calabar is open for business."

With an annual tourism figure of 12 in 2006 (including 11 kidnapped aid-workers brought into Nigeria from Cameroon on a tourist visa), anything that seeks to encourage visitors must surely be welcomed, however controversial. But is this the answer? We shall see.

*All posts are the material of Striker and reproduction should not take place without his prior permission.